In all my years of counselling couples, I’ve quietly (even without intention), analyzed some of the times and places couples argue most. Without doubt, the worst arguments happen when both or either are tired or hangry. That’s usually in the evening or after the kids have gone to bed. My recommendation is, instead of trying to talk it out at 10pm, to write it out instead. Write without editing. Write as emotionally as you please. Then, after sleeping, look at what you have written the following day. My guess is that you will do some editing then. You may tone it down a bit, or remove parts. Then, figure out a mutually agreeable time to share what you’ve written with one another. Preferably during the day. Best in person, or online so that you are face to face. After one of you has had a chance to read what you’ve written with the other, the “other” will then have the opportunity to reflect back what they have heard. I know that it’s challenging to listen without being triggered and interrupting. I know that it’s hard not to respond defensively. But please try. The only job for the “other” is to help the speaker feel validated and heard. A good beginning would be something like “So, what I hear you saying is…” Then the speaker can acknowledge having been heard or if not, to clarify.
This part of the exercise need only take about ten minutes or so. Then, it’s the listeners turn to share what they have written and then to be heard and validated, too.
You may wonder how this might lead to a solution. It likely won’t, but I guarantee that it’s a good beginning. For some, just having the opportunity to share and be heard can be enough. For others, it’s the first step. If there’s time (and if not, schedule a time to talk later), you may want to brainstorm solutions to the issue. When brainstorming, anything goes. From the most practical to the most sublime. Just write the ideas down. Then, once that has been done, consider which is the most reasonable. If you can’t agree, then each may choose one and then flip a coin to see which you will start with. After trying the solution on for size, you may want to entertain one of the other solutions – until you find something that works for both of you.
As for the most common place that couples argue, it’s in the car. There are a couple of reasons for this – one is because one or the other (or both) may see this as a perfect opportunity to bring up a concern. Shut in a vehicle for x amount of time, there’s not a lot else one can do (well, at least not the driver) and a couple may feel that being in the car alone allows them the privacy that they don’t get a lot of.
However, if you’re tired or hungry or angry at fighting traffic, I’d say put it aside and discuss another time. If you’re otherwise doing well, and it’s not late at night, then this might be a good space to work things out.
The other reason that couples fight in the car has to do with the driver’s perceived criticism of their driving and the passenger’s belief that their partner doesn’t care how anxious they are as a passenger. There’s also the added imbalance of power because the driver is literally in charge of how fast or slow they drive and the passenger often feels quite vulnerable and powerless. The scenario typically goes like this:
Passenger: “Can you keep more distance between us and the car in front of us?
Driver: “I am keeping distance. I need to drive at the speed of traffic and I’ve told you before, don’t tell me how to drive. After 30 years, I know how to drive a car.”
Passenger: “I know you do, but the speed at which you’re driving is making me nervous”
Driver: “Well, it doesn’t take much to make you nervous. Just close your eyes.”
And so it goes.
I have heard countless recounts of the scenario I’ve mentioned above. I’ve heard about passengers insisting that their spouse pull over so that they can get out of the car and take an uber back home. I’ve heard about spouses refusing to drive in the same car as one another because they feel incompatible as driver and passenger.
My recommendation, if you can relate to this, is to have a conversation about your concerns when you’re not in the car.
It may go something like this:
Passenger: “I know you feel that I am criticizing or not trusting you when you’re driving, but I often have a difficult time being a passenger in your car. Are you open to hearing why?”
Driver: “Go ahead. I’ve probably heard it before, but if you must….”
Passenger: “Ok. Thanks. When you leave less than 2 car lengths between our vehicle and the one in front of us, I feel my whole body tense up. I worry that if someone were to hit us from behind, that we would go into the vehicle in front of us. I just don’t feel safe when we’re too close.”
The ideal response from a partner would then be:
Driver: “So, what I hear you saying is that it’s the amount of space between us and the car in front that makes you feel most panicked. You worry that there will be a chain reaction if someone were to hit us from behind.”
Passenger: “Yes, that’s right. I want you to know that I trust you and your reaction time, but I don’t know about the other drivers around us. When we’re in the car and I voice my concerns and you make me feel that it’s my issue and don’t change anything, I feel that you don’t really care about how unsafe I’m feeling.”
Driver: “So, you feel unsafe when I don’t adjust how I’m driving when you’re next to me. Especially when you tell me how you’re feeling.”
Passenger: “Absolutely. How would you feel about adjusting your driving to help me feel safer?”
Driver: “Of course I want you to feel safer but when you start nagging at me when I’m driving, it gets my blood boiling. I will try but I can’t promise that I will be perfect”
Passenger: “How would you feel about coming up with a code word that I can say rather than a whole sentence that may trigger you?”
Driver: “Yes, I like that. How about tiger?”
Passenger: “Tiger it is. Let’s try that and see how things go.”
I know that not every conversation will go exactly as I’ve written it out, but I think you can tell that the way in which couples share information and communicate their thoughts and feelings, makes a big difference. As does time and place.